Just Shoot Me Now!!!

Finishing off a battle royal with Nat Monday morning (more later), I had my dental appointment for dental impressions that afternoon at 2:00. The day started off shitty and pretty much ended the same way.

Some of my apprehension for having impressions done had been eased earlier, as I was told a lot of advancements had been made in dentistry over the years, including impressions. She Lied!!! And obviously has never had them done herself. It was the most disgusting, vile, horrendous thing I’ve ever had to do. Seriously, within  30 seconds of doing my lowers, I wanted them to shoot me.

The appointment started with quite a bit of prep work and I waited quietly looking out at the neighbour’s house through a somewhat steamy window. I was soon approached by one of the dental assistants with a solid metal plate shaped in the form of a half circle. She placed it on my lower teeth, asking me to shift my tongue upwards and then lower it while she checked for size. That was heavy metal, baby!!! Then she repeated the same procedure for my uppers. So far, so good, I’m thinking, not knowing what was coming. I also had to read a couple of consent and information forms regarding dentures and how they’ll fit in my mouth.

The Denture Nurse then came along with a tray of varying samples of teeth. She picked what she thought was the right one, held it up against my teeth and had me check out the colour match with a small mirror I was holding. It really looked like a good match, and in fact a tad whiter, so we agreed that was the one. She and the Dentist then began to fiddle around behind my back getting everything prepped for the hell I was about to go through. I’ll give him credit for filing down an upper back tooth that was broken and sharp and driving me nuts, thinking it might cause a problem.

I could feel my blood pressure rising as I heard the voices behind me, ask if they were ready. With that, my Dentist stuck some pink pudding-like, watery Silly Putty all over my bottom teeth. I began to gag, and with that he placed that heavy metal plate over my teeth, pressing down continuously with his thumb. I began to gag even more. The two of them sat me upright and asked that I bend downward and breath through my nose with my mouth wide open. This is not an easy thing, people. You’re about to explode, breathing heavy and trying not to concentrate on the alien goo dancing around my mouth. Trying to ease the situation they told me I was doing great, only 30 seconds left out of total 1 minute. Great God Almighty, it was finally over. The plate was removed and to my surprise there didn’t seem to be any residue left – the mould had taken and the Dentist said it worked perfectly. It had to, I was NOT going to repeat that process a second time.

Then the real fun began. He approached me with more alien goo, placed the plate over my upper teeth with his fingers and I was off and running. It felt like some of that crap was oozing around my upper mouth. Again, they sat me up and had me lean forward to avoid a lot of the gagging. More heavy breathing through my nose as I could feel my breath hitting his blue gloved hand. I had this great urge to bite down right on his hand, but I was good. Don’t screw this up, Twila, or you’ll have to do it again and this fun game was being paid for out of our lower-class income pockets!!!

At last. Done. Again I was told perfect impressions and the Assistant gave me a damp cloth and mirror. My lips and cheeks were covered in pink alien goo, including bits on my tongue. Now I understand why she was holding a large towel under my chin during the whole process. I just had to laugh – out of sheer relief, I suppose. We both laughed as I wiped myself down and jumped out of the dental chair so fast I almost fell. I couldn’t believe it was over. Somehow going back to the Denture Nurse’s office and paying a downpayment for the lab and dentures was the easy part.

More appointments were made – one for “waxing”, another for whatever. I’m just going along for the ride at this moment. As I had handed in a good picture of me smiling, she took a copy to give to the lab. After that, I will be able to check out my new dentures for shape, colour and request any changes if I wanted. That’s pretty cool. You can try and improve your look if possible which was never done in years past.

It looks like I may have about a month off before the appointments start for the pre-op and surgery in mid-July. Even after surgery I’m told there will be a lot of adjustments and eating only soft foods for 3 weeks – a real bummer!!!!! This whole process is for my self-improvement and esteem and so I can smile and laugh again. I’m in the home stretch. When all is finished I won’t stop grinning from ear to ear.

Back to the beginning of my shitty week. Nat and I had been invited to see Laura’s new apartment in April. My feelings for her since our last huge blast have not dissipated. Afterall she came dangerously close to breaking up my marriage, and that’s unforgivable to me.

The visit went well, but as I had nothing to contribute to the conversation she was having with her Dad, I played with Zoe, her Shih tzu dog, who was curled up in my lap and enjoying my petting.  Her apartment is nice, along with a neat long closet tucked behind one kitchen wall and the exterior wall. Clever. Nat and I also handed her an envelope we had received from her lawyers containing a Release of Interest for her Dad from her former house insurance. We advised it should be given to her insurance agent for his records. She threw that envelope onto a table in another room and returned. We had also asked that she give us a copy of the sale report (Nat had asked her lawyer to send us a copy)  which I assumed she would do there and then, but never said another word.

Lucas arrived home for a couple of minutes to get changed for going out with some friends. We had a few minutes to see him and check out his new tattoos. Then after the conversation came to a lull, Lucas and Laura went on their cell phones. Myself, I thought it was a little rude – but then, again, I’m really old fashioned. The conversations were all about Laura’s coming and goings, her job, etc. and I really had nothing else to add so I kept petting the dog, even after a snide remark about Coach Bags. She mentioned them once, and I remarked I liked them, to which she retorted “I have better things to spend my $300.00 on than a Coach Bag”. Well eexxcuuuuse me!!!!! Didn’t say I bought them, but certainly appreciated a good design when I saw it. (Let it go, Twila, let it go!!!)

She also was a tad upset that her former mother-in-law did not tell her or the kids that their great-grandmother was in hospital and not alert. She’s in her mid-90s and has outlived all of her friends and resides in a nursing home. Laura’s kids wouldn’t go see her in hospital but were upset they didn’t know. I remarked it was nice sometimes to just sit and keep her company for a few minutes. She had no response.

Nat and I decided to leave as there wasn’t much else to talk about. She never asks about others, including her sister, even though Nat mentioned her new kitchen that she was pleased with.

Long story short – that night and the next week I couldn’t stop dwelling on her righteous attitude, lack of personal connection and feelings. Just brrrrrrr. After our last huge fight, Nat and I both agreed to be open and honest with each other. So as we were sitting in the living room this past Sunday I told him how I felt and that I had to say something because it was eating away at me. Poor Nat, I hit him hard. Being his favourite daughter, I could see it in his eyes, he was broken. Forgetting to get a copy of our report from her lawyers, Nat texted her to call. When she did, she was extremely puzzled why we had to have it. She didn’t understand the rush. (I just wanted my file closed and this matter over with, because she’ll soon forget). She’s never fulfilled requests for pictures or other things from me in the past and I didn’t trust her. She just had to hand-over the damn envelope addressed to Nat. I knew she would soon forget and we would never ever receive that envelope. What was the big deal? Nat seemed to insist after what I had said and suddenly she retaliated turning the whole thing back at me. Believe me, she’s very good at that. Never actually answers Nat’s questions, just retaliates with one of her own. According to her, I’m not friendly, I’m looking down all the time, I don’t join in the conversation, and apparently didn’t smother her with compliments about her apartment.

Seriously – she’s in her 50’s not her teens!!  I explained again for the umpteenth time that I have absolutely nothing to talk to her about. Her conversations are one-sided. She doesn’t watch the news, keep up with local affairs or even carry on a conversation about any topic outside of her little world. Plus she has never once asked me directly how I was doing or even my family. Maturity is not her strong suit. She did, however, take that envelope to her work the next morning where Nat could pick it up. Now, was that so hard?

I tried my damnedest to explain to Nat that there was nothing he could do. He kept repeating how he felt he should do something. We’re two very different people and I now have a harder time than ever before to let things go. He was also afraid that I would go into another depression again and he wouldn’t be able to cope. Does he seriously think I’ll be able to cope too??? I just wanted to vent my frustrations and the whole thing blew up in my face. So much for trying to be forthright.

I ended the discussion an hour before my dental appointment by agreeing to be the mature adult in this whole matter. I’ll take the high road and be the mature adult that I am whenever we’re together again, I’ll converse with her about her mundane world, let her think she’s always right, and lay it on so thick she’ll beg me to back off (I didn’t say that to Nat, however). Taking a very deep breath we headed down to my dental appointment to end my day  hoping to get shot in the head by my Dentist after even more torture. Why not, everyone has to pay for their sins!!!!

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Just Chew On This

And so it begins. The adventures of getting new dentures. My first dental visit in so long I’m amazed at the advancements that have been made. However, it was still scaring the hell out me as I’ve had a couple of horrendous visits in my past, along with going to the movies in Edmonton and watching Marathon Man. To this day, I can no longer stand to watch anything that Sir Laurence Olivier is in. It involved a dental torture scene that physically made me sick, during the movie. My date had to take me home immediately.

Getting back to the present. My first appointments were going to fix the cavities in my lower teeth. There were 7 and were being done in 2 appointments – three and then four. The first appointment last Thursday went surprisingly well. There were a few tense moments – before freezing – but they double-numbed my gums that the freezing wasn’t felt at all. I was relieved and my hands became unclenched from the dental chair arms.

There was one tooth that gave my new dentist a hard time, but he persevered and I was done in 20 minutes. Whew!!! Relieved, Nat drove me home and we spent the balance of the afternoon waiting for my lip and mouth to become unfroze. Supper was eaten in a more relaxed state.

My second appointment was this past Tuesday. Thinking the first one went so well, I wasn’t that tense heading into the dental room. A new nurse this time, but was well informed of my fears and she, too, double-numbed my gums for the freezing. This time, however, all hell broke loose. My dentist seemed to be struggling. A couple of the cavities seemed to be okay, but the two remaining gave the poor man grief. He struggled on one, in particular and to such an extent, I was grabbing the dental chair arms so tight my fists turned red. Having trouble getting to the root of things (pardon the pun) my gums were bleeding profusely (a bit exaggerated, but for effect) and he struggled to fill the cavity to his satisfaction. As he was working his nurse was continuously spraying water into my mouth, on my face and up my nose. It should also be noted that I wasn’t given any eye shades this time and felt like I had to duck at every turn for tiny particles spilling into the air. At one point he had to push down so hard on my jaw, it felt like it broke. My right side jaw was now stiff as a board and aching despite the freezing. My eyes being closed the entire time, I could hear my dentist instruct his nurse for certain items and tools that had some sort of tortuous name – drill, picks, spreaders, spoon extractors, hatchers – along with what colour of certain items he wished to use. At one point the nurse asked me to chew on this piece of paper hanging from some tweezers?? One of the easier things to do that afternoon.  Don’t ask, ’cause I don’t know and don’t want to know.

Feeling like I’d been there all afternoon, I was wondering about Nat in the waiting room. I’m thinking by now he’s really worried (knowing my fear) and probably thought I had been kidnapped. After 1-1/2 hours in the chair, together with a couple of breaks during the procedure, I was done. I could hardly get out of the chair without being a bit woozy. My back was aching, my jaw bone was burning and my head spinning. I was then advised that he would like me to return for a second stab at one of the fillings. He wasn’t really happy with the procedure and wanted to make it better – free, of course!!!!! Seriously??????

After discussing future events in this whole process with my advising nurse, it was suggested that I see the Oral Hygienist first –  my gums were really, really inflamed and I need help in being them back to a healthy state. THEN, the week after that I can come back for a second round at that one bloody cavity, along with getting a Crown, which is going to be an extra $1,000.00 Nat and I were never informed of. We are now one step ahead of Debtors’ Prison, to use a very old term.  We haven’t even gotten to the denture part yet.

I’ve been informed that the entire procedure, including moulding, making and inspecting the dentures could be done by the end of April. I’m not putting a lot of money on it – don’t have it anyways – but at least it will be quicker than I thought. I’ll be able to enjoy a couple of (hopefully) warm summer months before I go for my dental surgery.

I’ve gotten myself into this mess because of my fears and anxiety and I have to suffer the consequences – not in a tortuous way, however, but it has to be done and despite the entire procedure this past Tuesday, I am pleased with my new Dentist. He and his staff are friendly, considerate and helpful. During my entire life and illness, I’ve learned that I have to suffer alone. Bizarre as it sounds, I’m not affecting anyone else in my pain and grief, and I feel better with no outsiders around me. Suffering in silence is somehow my sanctuary, my peaceful place. Again, don’t ask, ’cause I don’t understand it myself.

On a whole other subject, we’ve got our taxes done and returned. Good return this year which will help with the dental expenses. If it wasn’t for the dental stuff, we could use the refund for a dozen other things, but our priorities have been laid out.

We had a quiet Easter. Visited with my side one evening for goodies and updates on everyones’ lives. Personally, I had a good time but was anxious to get home, watch the hockey game and contemplate things ahead. The suffering in silence thing rears its ugly head and my emotions get the better of me when talking to family, and sometimes Nat, who is supporting me in ways I can never repay.

The month of April is filled with Dental appointments, Nephrology appointment and am slipping in a manicure one day. It will feel good to talk to my manicurist. Like my great hairdresser, she’s become supportive and understanding and we’ve been getting along famously – or at least she makes me think so, and that’s all I care about – love and support.

 

Still Waiting, And Waiting ….

At first I truly believed that my new teeth would be done. I was naive and wrong. I’m still waiting. At first I received a call and subsequent email advising Nat and myself of the enormous cost that would soon befall us. General Motors was not going to cover as much as we had hoped, and the uncovered balance was going to break the bank – literally.

Suddenly, today, while Nat is out I received another phone call from the Dental Office and was informed that the Oral Surgeon had finally reviewed my file and that I was going to now have two options. Oh great – more bloody waiting time. The first option:- I would have the entire procedure done all at once in a Toronto Hospital – The second option:- I could have the bottom cavities repaired right away, then have the dentures made and have the upper teeth removed in a hospital setting. Apparently the Oral Surgeon is apprehensive about one or two of my anti-rejection drugs and would prefer to do the procedure where more services would be available immediately.

I advised the dental secretary to make the appointment with the Oral Surgeon where Nat and I could discuss all of the above and then advise of our decision. I’m sure it will be the second option. We both have no desire of travelling to Toronto. So now I wait some more.

As January has been passing us by, neither one have been busy. We’ve done the usual chores and errands, etc. and I’ve been helping dear sister, Michele, design a possible web site for her Administrative Virtual Assistant business. I truly believed it would be easy, but I was soon awakened by new WordPress settings, how-to’s, and other changes that are now a bit more restrictive than what I’ve been used to in the past. I suppose corporate headquarters is looking to make a bit more money, and I can’t blame them. There are a lot of web-hosting sites out there and the competition must be tough. I, however, believe that WordPress (and Square Space) are the best out there, except that Square Space is even more expensive.

After long hours in the evening and while Nat has been out of the house, I sat behind my computer screen and customized, customized, customized until the cows came home. Michele is looking for a theme with columns and everyone we picked out had to be customized to create those columns. The one exemption I discovered is any Free themes seem to be uncustomisable to achieve such columns. Nowhere, nohow can I find the settings or descriptions found in online set-ups regarding the very exact theme I’m working on. I’ve now been through at least 5 themes, all to no success. I finally had to admit defeat to my dear sister today, and told her I gave up. I’d do anything to help her with her web site but we’re going to have to re-think the set-up where I won’t have to blow my brains out trying to get her up and going. We do, at least, have a site up with some tagging to (hopefully) get some views and possible customers.

On the good news side, my older sister, Gail, has successfully had a cancerous tumor removed mid-January. She’s still waiting for her radiation schedule, but at least she’s been informed the surgeon managed to get everything and there were no more signs of the tumor. Bless Gail, she appears to be thinking  positively and I’m sure after radiation this will be the last of it. Our family has beaten so many odds before, there’s no doubt in my mind we can keep doing it.

And So It Begins – 2018

The saying “Never a Dull Moment” does not apply to hubby and me so far for 2018. The New Year came and went as fast as I could get to sleep. Nat stays up longer in order to shorten his waking hours in bed and I’m curled deep down underneath the duvet by 11:00 PM at the latest. Without any broohaha, it’s 8:30 am January 1st, 2018 and another usual day begins.

The whole Christmas week was extremely quiet for our family. The usual Christmas Eve visit to Laura’s and then on to a get-together with my side of the family later that evening. Christmas morning, as usual, we’re off to Susan’s to a visit with them. This year, however, we bought a small turkey and decided to have our holiday meal on Boxing Day without any fuss or bother. Just the turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy w/ corn. A normal meal for us, except with a bit more expensive meat – Turkey instead of Chicken!

We enjoyed the quietness that the early days of January bought us. For Nat’s 79th birthday we went to Johnny Rocco’s Italian Restaurant in St. Catharines. The stormy weather had eased up just enough that we had clear roads but with mounds of snow all around. Our meals were good, albeit they don’t serve Lasagna anymore. A great disappointment for me, as I was looking forward to it. I remembered it was delicious the last time we ate at this restaurant, but since then the menu has been changed. So, it was pasta and meatballs which I couldn’t begin to finish. Another take-home leftovers, along with the balance of Nat’s pizza which was not the usual kind he was used to eating. A bit more authentic Italian.

Nat’s appointment with his Doctor the next day was more enlightning. A bit more has been discovered since his last appointment and naturally, a change in medication and a change for the better for Nat. His stomach isn’t giving him as much trouble now, and long may that last.

We’ve also received some personal calls from Laura. She’s finally decided to sell her townhouse condominium. The condo fees have risen to the point where it is no longer financially feasible for her and an apartment is looking a lot cheaper and easier to run. After some talks with her Dad, she’s now listed her place and is now on the look-out for a reasonably priced 2-bedroom somewhere around the Niagara Falls area, if possible. I’m so glad she’s at least personally talking to her Dad, as opposed to the constant emails from the past. Of course, her Dad will have to co-sign all documents, being a joint tenant and he’ll be able to help his daughter as she meanders her ways in and out of a sale and rental transaction. I know things will work out for the best and she’ll realize a huge load has been lifted from her shoulders once she’s settled into any new digs.

As for moi – no word from the Dentist or Oral Surgeon as yet. My last appointment I was told the dentures would be made next and I would have a chance to check them out. The financial end of things will also be calculated so as to see who pays what. God, I’m hoping our health insurance will do right by us. This is going to be another huge burden on us financially, as we’re just now getting the kitchen paid for, and another big bill creeps up. Somehow, like everyone else, you just can’t get ahead enough to keep the hounds at bay. Hubby keeps telling me, I’m worth every penny and it’s a no brainer, since it’s my smile but my mother’s inherited guilt keeps floating through my heart and soul. God Bless Mom – she’s left a few personal things behind!!